DOCTOR INDIA

Indian Police Service (IPS)

2008-12-22T12:01:00.003+05:30

On examining the facilities and current system of civil defence,it has been proposed to change the name of Indian Police Service (IPS)....Following options have been suggested...

INDIAN LATHMAAR POLICE SERVICE (ILPS)
INDIAN THULLA COMMITEE (ITC)
TONDU JANTA HAWALDAR SERVICES(TJHS)
NATIONAL LAW IN MY TUMMY SERVICES(NLIMTS)

proposed motto

"YOU GIVE US BRIBE WE WILL GIVE YOU PROTECTION"

criteria for selection

Weight >100kg
Waist>38
IQ<80
Moral Standards : We dont fucking care !
Corruption Quotient :Highest levels of corruption quotient is preferred in eligible candidates.
Above all we dont fucking care for anything!!! Just bring RS 20,000 for personal fund...your seat will be assured ....Offer always valid because we are always sleeping!

Proposed Weapons To Be Used

LATHI 47 :Ultimate weapon of mass destruction ,custom made,special ergonomic design,designed by a group of expert scientists,smeared in desi ghee for ultimate effectiveness

BIG TUMMY FART INVISIBLE GRENADE (BTFIG) :Most advanced tool in civil policing ever made, it is supposed to be one of its kind CHEMICAL WEAPON which can render the terrorists unconscious.

AUTOMOTIVE ROLLAR SKATES (ARS): To enable our thullas to take some more rest and conserve energy we have devised a new idea that instead of walking the thulla force will be given AUTOMOTIVE ROLLER SKATES to move around , thereby improving the efficiency of BIG TUMMY FART INVISIBLE GRENADES (BTFIGs) .

Any more suggestions are invited !

http://dr-india.blogspot.com/
blog.healthsutra@gmail.com

NO SMOKING ZONE

2008-12-22T11:44:00.005+05:30

Sometimes You Dont Need A Doctor To Tell You What Is Right And What Is Not!!!

Taste Of India : Govt Authorised Bhang Shop(Cannabis sativa )

2008-12-22T11:34:00.000+05:30

How do you fit 30 marwadis in a Maruti 800 ?

2008-12-22T11:28:00.000+05:30

Throw a 100 rupee note inside

Taste Of India : Rabri Devi In Hell

2008-12-22T11:24:00.001+05:30

Rabri Devi died and went to hell (as expected…)… As she stood in front of yamraj , she saw a huge wall of clocks behind.She asked, “What are all those clocks?” Yamraj answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.” “Oh,” said Rabri, “Who’s clock is that?” Yamraj answered, “That’s Gautam Buddha’s. The hands have never moved indicating that he never told a lie.” “And whose clock is that?” “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entirelife.” Rabri asked, “Where’s my Laloo’s clock?” “Laloo”s clock is in my office”, replied yamraj, “I’m using it as ceiling fan”

Taste Of India : Laloo,Sonia and Others

2008-12-22T11:15:00.001+05:30

Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were traveling by a private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting, “This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane.

Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here.” Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane. Sonia Gandhi said, “Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live!” She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

Laloo Yadav said, “I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live!” Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.

The old saint said to the school boy, “There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an old man and don’t need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump.”

The school boy said, “Don’t worry! There are still two parachutes left with us! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag!”

Miraculous Medicine In India

2008-06-15T18:31:00.004+05:30

Three DOCTORS, an American, a German, and an Indian, were talking and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine.

The American said “In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms so we attached artificial arms on him. And now that he’s grown up and became an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medallist !”

The German replied, “That’s nothing to what we have achieved. Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time Olympics marathon gold medallist !”

The Indian interjected ” Is that all you have achieved , just gold medallists? In Patna, Bihar we had a baby boy born without a HEAD ! We attached a COCONUT and called him Laloo and he has grown up and now he is the Chief Minister of Bihar !”

Windows XP IN HINDI

2008-06-15T18:25:00.002+05:30

Windows XP In Hindi

Bill Gates was in India a few days ago. He announced that Microsoft plans to release a windows version in Hindi.

Here are some Windows related terms that may be used in the Hindi version of…

KhidkiyanXP:
Phaail = File
Bachao = Save
Aise Bachao = Save as
Subko Bachao = Save All
Mujhe Bachao = Help
Dhoondo = Find
Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
Hilao = Move
Daak = Mail
Daakiya = Mailer
Paas se dhekho = Zoom
Duur se dhekho = Zoom Out
Kholo = Open
Bandh Karo = Close
Naya = New
Khatara = Old
Badli Karo = Replace
Bhaago = Run
Chhaapo = Print
Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview
Kaapi = Copy
Kaato = Cut
Kato = Stupid Houseguest
Chipkao = Paste
Payshul Chipkao = Paste Special
Goli Maaro = Delete
Nazaara = View
Hathiyaar = Tools
Hathiyaar Khambha = Toolbar
Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
Iska Bhi Naam Nahin Aata = Database
Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit
Ped = Tree
Thooso = Compress
Chooha = mouse
Tik-Tik Karo = Click
Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar
Cheers !

10 Rules Of Indian Film Making

2008-06-15T18:21:00.003+05:30

Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).

If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.

If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).

Any court scene will have the dialogue “Objection milord”. If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.

The hero’s sister will usually marry the hero’s best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.

In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never
a) miss
b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).

Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.

Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by
a) the brothers
b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax)
c) the family dog/cat.

Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories:

a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero’s father - killedby the villain before the titles.
b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying “Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte”, only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector’s daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain’s sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.

Taste Of India :INDIAN LATHMAAR POLICE (THULLA)

2008-06-15T18:06:00.006+05:30

A Police Story

Three police squads , The Scotland Yard police , The NY Police and the Punjab Sardar brigade contest for the best police force ward . The judges lead them to the Gir forest of India and assign them the mission . He who captures an adult Lion and brings it back alive in the fastest time will be adjudged the best . First Scotland yard goes into the forest and comes back in half an hour with a Lion all tied up . Then the NY police go in and come back in 15 minutes with a tied up lion. Lastly the sardar brigade goes in . 15 minutes , half an hour , one hour goes and no sign of our saradrjis The judges give up and decide to search for them . They go into the forest . After some searching , they find the sardarjis all excitedly yelling near a tree . The sardarjis have tied up a big bear to a tree and one of them is shouting , “Bol tu sher Hai ! Saala Bol ! tu Sher Hai !! ” (Admit that you are a lion! You are a lion).

Taste Of India : How To Apply For Driving License In Bihar ?

2008-06-15T17:10:00.003+05:30

DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM (BIHAR)
—————————————— ————
NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
2. First name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot […]

MEDICAL PROFESSION IN INDIA

2008-06-06T20:21:00.001+05:30

Q: How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

2008-06-05T21:50:00.000+05:30

A: You are fine. How am I?

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

2008-06-05T21:49:00.000+05:30

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

MEDICAL PROFESSION

2008-06-05T21:41:00.000+05:30

PRESCRIPTION

2008-06-05T21:25:00.000+05:30

Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?

The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass.

Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium.

It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary.

And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.

PAIN IN PREGNANCY

2008-06-05T21:04:00.003+05:30

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

INTERESTING CASE HISTORIES

2008-06-03T23:48:00.000+05:30

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area..
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Examination of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot..
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.
She can't get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up.
Whilst in Casualty she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared..
I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing..
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient has no past history of suicides..
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.
The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.
The patient refused an autopsy..
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

FARTING

2008-06-03T23:42:00.000+05:30

This old lady walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you." The Doctor nods his head and says, "Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me." The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says "What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear them, but now they smell horrible!" The Doctor again nods his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."

QUACK QUACK ...

2008-06-03T23:39:00.000+05:30

There was this city doctor who started a practice in a village. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance...every time I enter the farm, they verbally insult me!"

How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?

2008-06-03T23:34:00.001+05:30

None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?

2008-06-03T23:33:00.003+05:30

Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!

How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

2008-06-03T23:33:00.001+05:30

None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

2008-06-03T23:32:00.001+05:30

That depends on whether it has health insurance.
None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

You Might Be an E.R. Doctor if...

2008-06-03T23:29:00.000+05:30

GENERAL PRACTITIONER ,PATHOLOGIST AND A SURGEON

2008-06-03T23:26:00.002+05:30

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

LOVE STORY

2008-06-03T23:26:00.001+05:30

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

2008-06-03T23:24:00.000+05:30

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he's not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

What is a double-blind study?

2008-06-03T23:23:00.000+05:30

Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?

2008-06-03T23:20:00.000+05:30

One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

OCULAR FOREIGN BODY

2008-06-03T23:14:00.000+05:30

Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."

"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

DOCTOR INDIA

2008-06-03T23:13:00.000+05:30

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for RS600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

HISTORY OF MEDICINE

2008-06-03T23:12:00.000+05:30

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

CONSERVATIVE TREATMENT OF RECURRENT RHINITIS

2008-06-03T23:09:00.000+05:30

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

CORRECT DIAGNOSIS

2008-06-03T23:07:00.000+05:30

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

TENDERNESS

2008-06-03T23:04:00.000+05:30

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger "

HEART MURMUR

2008-06-03T22:46:00.001+05:30

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the Doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At the next physical the Doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor exclaimed, "I didn't say that. I said you got a HEART MURMUR. BE CAREFUL."

2008-06-03T22:43:00.000+05:30

2008-06-03T22:42:00.000+05:30

Birth Control Pills

2008-06-03T22:41:00.000+05:30

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."